I want to introduce you to a fantastic game that is guaranteed to keep you and your loved-ones endlessly entertained on a rainy day. The rules are pretty simple:
- Pick a department store; preferably one that is primarily frequented by floral tea-towel types, who buy crockery in matching sets to compliment their smug expressions.
- Stalk the kitchen aisles selecting the most unnecessary/ridiculous kitchen utensils.
- Snigger to the consternation of your superior fellow shoppers.
- Compare your finds with your equally immature friends and snigger more.
- Write a blog article about the experience.
Alternatively if you’re having a pyjama day you can play via Amazon, it’s a black-hole of execrable purchasing options.
I have put together a list highlighting some of the most useless items, contributed by my friends and I. There is definitely room to expand the collection so please comment with any particularly terrible utensils that you have come across. Equally you are welcome to defend any of the equipment that I have selected but please be aware that I will judge you.
Microwave Bacon Crisper
If you are microwaving bacon then you need to seriously rethink your life choices.
Shameless plug: Aspire to better and cure your own rashers
Pay £6 for a 3 in 1 product that does nothing well. My housemate has one of these so I can say from experience that many an avocado has been brutally mangled by this device.
The smallest Tupperware
I mean the really tiny one that can fit one petite carrot stick or a depressingly minimal quantity of hummus, insufficient to meet the needs of even the most frugal middle-class picnicker. I have found myself many times taking down this miniature container hopefully only to return it to the shelf in favour of a better proportioned model.
I have two of these. They are found at the bottom of my arms. They were cost free and I’ve never been dissatisfied with their onion grasping functionality.
‘Cut your onions into as many pieces as you wish – from 10 slices to 2000 small chunks if you like – without blood, sweat or tears!’
I think I’ll continue to serve my risotto with a healthy level of bodily fluids mixed right in.
I’m not against teapots in principal, although I’ll admit I’m more of a brew-in-the-cup gal (deal with it). But seriously I am personally affronted by poorly pouring teapots. They have one goal in life, one! They are literally failing at their sole aim.
The wine bottle foil cutter
For the alcoholic with more money than sense.
Believe me this tool is not necessary, that foil is no match for my bare hands after a long day.
‘Wine refreshes the stomach, sharpens the appetite, blunts care and sadness, and conduces to slumber.’
-Pliny the Elder (before a big night out)
‘Wine takes away reason, engenders insanity, leads to thousands of crimes, and imposes such an enormous expense on nations.’
-Pliny the Elder (the morning after)